The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

10. Your Mother...has a long storied checkered past she's corpulent and has performed innumerable sexual favors for little compensation. In the case of your opponents she's done so for no reason other that the joy of bearing their children which leads to No.9 except in the case of No.4

9. Your Daddy...was born many years before you. Anyone you encounter on Xbox Live may well in possession of a time machine, and has shrill, preadolescent insults should be received with appropriate respect. Filial piety demands that you let him take your head off with a needlegun.

8. The Flag...should not be camped. Doing so is unsportsmanlike ad only enrages those who are honorably attempting to capture it. One should always behave as though one's own flag is freshly opened Ark of the Covenant and must never make the mistake of gazing upon it or its surroundings. Upon learning of the capture of one's flag, one must count 10 Mississippis before giving chase.

7. South Central...is in Arkansas, judging from the peculiar combinations of slang and accent you'll probably encounter. The district is known for geographic fickleness, though , and may occasionally surface anywhere from the fabled Canadas to the flowering kingdoms of Orient.

6. Babies...do not require maintenance. They may scream ceaselessly in the background of your conversations with Arkansas gangstas, but given the inexhaustible multitude of children who've plagued you (and will continue to do so over the years) it's apparent that their feeding and other upkeep is entirely optional.

5. Robots...are the future, and their distorted voices may be incomprehensible to you, but you must allow them to shoot you in your imaginary videogame brain. All the while thanking your weak, human gods that you future masters presently occupy themselves playing Halo rather than crushing multitudes of simpering fleshlings beneath their steely tread.

4. Girls...may be vocally indistinguishable from 12 year old boy. Mistaking the former for the latter and accosting them verbally will make you feel bad about yourself. At least, until you realize that the possession of ovaries does not make anyone any less of an idiot.

3. Chocolate Milk...is a delicious nectar, and you should never cease your pursuit of it. Your obese, promiscuous mother will provide it on demand, you have only to shriek to her of your need for it.

2. Vents...exist to provide opportunity for your teammates to blockade you within while they giggle at you predicament. Allow them to do so until you descend into pure animal rage. It is right to indulge them in this, for they are your friends and allies.

1. Homosexuality...is within all of us. Our screaming 10 year old daddy said so. Its presence is made more apparent by our inability to recognize the truths presented in the above list and complemented by its occasional companions; femininity and low IQs. Take these lessions to heart, for they will completely and utterly fail to make you a better person.