I was supposed to review this film the night after I saw it but honestly I really didn't want to. So before I begin this review three things:
1) Spoilers Below.
2) I'm a die hard Indy fan who didn't go into this expecting it to be better than any of the previous three.
3) A lot of people told me to not go in judging this as a Indiana Jones film, fuck that.
So lets start at the beginning and this is where the film presents its first problem. In all the previous Indy films we get a little action before were thrown into the main plot. In Raiders we get Indy dodging a huge boulder in Peru, in Temple of Doom we get the bar fight, and in Last Crusade were introduced to a young Indiana. They are all interesting and let us know that Indy has still got it.
Crystal Skull throws this idea out the window as the audience is thrown right into the main plot. Some Russian dickheads take Indiana and his new sidekick whom apparently were supposed to know and care about to a facility where the U.S government stores all its secret stuff. This is where the movie hits its second wall. Were introduced to the villain. Does Indy face someone interesting? Nope enter Cate Blanchett playing a 100 pound Russian with a sword.
They ask Jones to find an old case inside the huge facility that possesses magnetic qualities. Jones proceeds to take gun powder and throw it into the air and follow it to the cases location. Yes ridiculous but lets continue, they find the case and open it to find a dead alien corpse. I shit you not. I know the idea of the ark of the covenant and the last crusade are far fetched but the whole alien thing took me out of the experience. Anyway, after that the Russians seize the corpse which only reacts with metal that George Lucas says it will. The sidekick turns out actually to be working for the Russians. No one in the audience seems to care or notice. Then a battle begins inside the facility. The one thing I love about Indiana Jones is the way he fights. Hes no superhero, he gets punched he gets bloody and he fights dirty. It's awesome so despite everything thats happened so far in the film I still had high hopes at this point. But alas the third problem Indy doesn't fight. He takes his whip and tries to swing down to a truck only to land in another truck with two baddies. Here comes the punch? No instead you just hear the noise and the two guys fall out. Indy's stunt double does a few more things before landing on a rocket attached to a track about to launch for no particular reason other than to advance the plot. Indy ends up outside where he escapes from the Russians and finds a town below.
Indy proceeds to to the town only to find out its a nuclear testing ground, and a test is about to occur. Well honestly in my head I said Indiana Jones is dead at this point and I guess Shia is taking over. Indiana begins frantically looking for a way to survive when he opens a refrigerator and the camera actually pans to the fridge having a label saying its made out of led. That means Spielberg and Lucas actually realized how ridiculous this is and just had to justify it somehow. He gets inside and is blasted miles and emerges with barley a scratch. Really? Well at this point the audience no longer feels danger for Indy. We know Indy is going to survive because hes the hero but in the previous films at points you felt the danger. As soon as Indy survives a nuke in a fridge that feeling is GONE and Indiana Jones can do anything and everything.
We jump to Marshall College. Dean Stanforth explains to Indiana Jones that Indy's recent adventures are the subject of investigation by the U.S. Government. Indy proceeds to leave the city only on his exit to be confronted by Mutt Williams played by Shia LaBeouf. Mutt says he will help Indy find the crystal skull of Akator if he helps rescue his friend Professor Oxley and his mother. Some Chase happens where Indy rides bitch on a bike. Lets get one things straight INDIANA JONES DOESN'T RIDE BITCH.
Indy and Mutt end up in Peru searching for the crystal skull and eventually find it. The Russians seize it from them and are taken prisoner. We are introduced to Oxley and Mutts mother who happens to be Marion Ravenwood. As soon as this happens you can already guess Mutt is actually Indiana's son. Indiana takes this pretty lightly but enough of that lets get back to the aliens. While captured you find out the Soviets believe the crystal skull has powerful psychic powers, which will lead to global domination by the Soviet Union. Another chase happens where CG pours out the ass as Mutt fights more people than Indiana Jones has the entire film, up until Mutt literally swings through the jungle with monkeys. I wish I could make that up. Ants show up and eat some guy Indy, Mutt, Marion, and Oxley then go driving off a cliff in a jeep land in water, and go off 3 enormous waterfalls. Everyone survives without a scratch on them and they proceed to the temple.
They proceed through the temple where they put the final crystal skull back in place. When this happens a alternate dimension opens up and the alien comes to life. At this point I just want the film to end. Cate Blanchett absorbs all the knowledge from the alien only to be killed seconds later. On the escape Indy runs into his sidekick whom the audience has forgotten about ages ago only to find out he was a triple agent. No one seems to care again. He dies and the whole party escapes to see the alien ship take off. Yup. One good thing in the scene is Mutts hair is all wet and he actually looks like a young Indiana. Indiana and Marion get married and the film ends.
Overall when I saw the trailer to this movie I was really excited. When I saw Raiders as a kid it blew my mind. I wanted to see Indiana come back and that was done, it was cool to see Harrison Ford do Indiana again but it was just missing what made the first three films great.
Final Verdict: D
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